He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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