Where is the hickey?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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