Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You pole danced in your parka.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
