mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
