i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
