went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
