At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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