"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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