Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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