You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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