i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
