The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
