I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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