Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Randomize
