i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
