just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
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