I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
