i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
