you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
