We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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