my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
