i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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