can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
