I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
