Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
