Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
