Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
