Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
