You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize