for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
