I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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