You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
