I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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