Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
