So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
