just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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