I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
