God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
