ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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