I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
