I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
