I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
