id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
