Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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