You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
