i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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