i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
