i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
