New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
