i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
