are you so shy because you have an std?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize