I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
