Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
