What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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