Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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