I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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