She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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