Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
