i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
