3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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