kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I need to calm my uterus...
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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