Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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