You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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