omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
