Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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