i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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