my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
home. puking in laundry basket.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
